BCACC Blog

 

Three Areas We Shrink in Our Lives and How to Reclaim Them

by Tara Miller, MC, RCC

 

 

As we get older, adulting – being focused on following the path of expectations, school, career, marriage and/or family – can cause us to shrink. We take the vision and energy and excitement we had for our lives when we were young and narrow it to be reasonable, to attain certain goals, reach important milestones etc. This is good and important, but in that we can end up reaching goals at the cost of things that matter to us, or forget some of our other dreams altogether.

We shrink – consciously and on purpose to reach a goal, to keep connection, or unconsciously we get lost and shrink because of fear or not consciously keeping our passions alive and our vision expansive.

At the end of even accomplishing your important goals you can end up feeling like you’re suffocating in your own life.

 

1. Relationships.

Every relationship begins with energy and excitement. We put our best foot forward. We want to impress, be accepted, and otherwise have the best of us be seen by another. As time goes on we can become comfortable. Or trapped.

We get comfortable in attachment or we become trapped by becoming so focused on another person or on the relationship as an outside entity. If we have ever experienced conflict of the sense of being too much for another person as we take up our space in our world and in the relationship we can pull back and pull in. If this continues, we can end up in relationships that we lose ourselves in.

We give up on the best expression of ourselves when we shrink for someone else. We shrink for them to be ok. What you want is someone that can accept and adore you just as you are – as big as you are. The fullness of yourself embraced by another.

Any connection that you have to sacrifice your true self in is not worth it.

Be brave enough to sacrifice the connection so that you can find someone else that will see you – all of you – and want you in their lives because of your expansiveness and not your shrinkage.

 

2. Careers.

The plan of expectation in our professional pursuits can bring us incredible satisfaction if we have picked a path that is connected to our desires. If we have settled at any stage of our planning and execution in this area we can end up achieving success without satisfaction.

The risk here is that due to financial and other lifestyle choices we feel like it’s too late to change, too late to get out, too late to go after what we really want.

Our perception is that there’s too much risk and fear takes over. We stay immobilized.

What did you used to dream of doing? What pursuits or ambitions have you abandoned or dissolved in your life for the sake of practical needs or expected paths? Make a list of all the things missing in your current career that you feel you need or desire. Look at connecting with a mentor that can help you integrate some of these into your current career path or launch you into one that you can love.

We spend most of our waking hours working – usually for someone else – and then we try and separate that from the rest of our lives like a bad virus.

It’s never too late to start over. It’s never too late to ignite passion and recreate your life in this area. It’s only too late if you keep wasting time or hoping that what you’re currently unhappy in is going to miraculously change. You are the only one that can change. Go out and create what you need in your working life – the rest of your life will benefit because of it.

 

3. Family.

We might have not shrunk for the sake of a relationship but have ended shrinking when we started a family. Again our focus, as is appropriate to a point, is on the safety, security, and growth of new little people in our lives. This is where lots of relationships start to show some strain. The lack of balance from me…. to we… to a collective “us”.

All the great freedoms you enjoyed individually and as a couple have diminished to accommodate a new schedule and other necessities. People often end up giving up their “selfish pursuits” that gave them a sense of autonomy and balance during this time. They may have achieved career success, relationship balance, but feel like they’ve lost pieces of themselves.

And because family is sacred space, no one wants to talk about it. We feel ashamed to think that we have shrunk and don’t dare complain about it.

Family is  a blessing – we wanted this, we chose this, so be quiet about it if you aren’t satisfied. Shrink your expectations and assimilate!

What we forget is that we can have it all – to a degree. We can live a life of passion and need for self as well as be loving and present to our partner and family. It’s a myth that we have to sacrifice everything we wanted individually for the sake of a collective.

We also forget who is watching and who is modelling their lives after us. These are often the pieces of themselves that make them unique and that their kids need to see. It’s actually healthy for kids to see that their parents never gave up their entire identity, their hopes and dreams and to instead see them still pursuing their passions and what brings them joy.

To see you consciously balance both is a challenge and a bit of an art form, but that’s exactly what your children need to see.

 

When we shrink too much in any of these areas we become out of balance and the process of adulting becomes a health risk.

We can easily become disconnected from the things that brought us life.

Vision that was huge and brought us so much energy and passion and desire… shrinks to accommodate expectation or perceived necessity.

When we abandon the things that brought us life, we abandon the energy that came with them.

Our lives can become really dull and repetitive.

It might not be enough for you.

If you have lost parts of yourself in these or any area of your life, I want you to look at places in your life that you’ve shrunk. I want you to notice where love and freedom has been replaced with resentment and feeling suffocated.

I want you to go back in time and look at areas you can reclaim your life. I want you to start doing the things that bring you joy and life. Today.

Be fearless. It’s going to be uncomfortable for you and or people in your life that are all used to the status quo of what is expected and sustained, but making you miserable.

Be ok with shaking things up and swimming up stream expanding your idea of what life can become.

There’s better ways to live. Be bold in this area. Start living bigger. I don’t care if other people like it or not

Go reclaim the places you’ve made too many sacrifices

Be the biggest boldest most badass version of your life.

Leave this kind of energy as your legacy.

 

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Tara Miller, MC, RCC  is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) in Kelowna, BC. She has advanced level post graduate training in Self Regulation Therapy (SRT®) from the Canadian Foundation for Trauma Research and Education. Tara is registered with the Crime Victim Assistance Program (CVAP) of BC and is a registered ICBC Vendor with offices in both West Kelowna and downtown Kelowna.

Tara provides both general counselling as well as trauma work in: PTSD, medical/dental, relational, and motor vehicle accident trauma, falls and head trauma, as well as depression/anxiety, grief, self esteem, postpartum, sports injury recovery/athletic performance, chronic pain, life transitions, grief counselling, children and youth issues.

www.westkelownacounselling.com

 

 

Interested in being a guest blogger? Email your suggestions and feedback to: [email protected]

by Delyse Ledgard, RCC

We live in a world of self-improvement.  A myriad of ways can show you how to live a better life and overcome the things that get in your way to success.  However, this often leaves us feeling disconnected and inadequate.

How do we change if we don’t strive to be better? 


Good question; and The Paradoxical Theory of Change has some answers. Goes something like this. 

So often when we don’t feel good about ourselves we look to how we can be different.  If I didn’t feel anxious then I would feel better about myself, or if I was less sensitive other people wouldn’t get upset with me.

However, by saying that we should be better and change [____], we are actually giving ourselves a message that we are not okay as we are.  We want to be someone else; someone who we think others will like better or be more successful.

Emotions can represent our sense of ourselves as broken or weak.  We might feel a need to hide and diminish these expressions in a misguided attempt to become ‘better’.  We develop what might look like an internal cheerleader but what is really a critical voice!

This voice has incorporated all the critical and judgmental messages in our life as well as some of the ‘be positive’ cultural platitudes of our time.  However, no matter how you might spin it the message is still the same.  Be different to who you are.

Ironically, is this not the fundamental change we are looking for to accept ourselves?

The paradoxical theory of change sees change as a process of allowing and embracing our experience. When we do this we are fundamentally changing this sense of our self as not good enough.  When we are connected to our experience we no longer criticize who we are and compassion for ourselves begins to grow.  Even the acidic pain of shame can dissolve and be released when we notice the experience.

When we fully stand in ourselves then we can move forwards with clarity and desire.  To accept our self is the heart of change. I am reminded of my three year old niece who responded to my father when he expressed that they had lost their way in the woods, with, ‘no granddad we are right here’. Perhaps this three year old wisdom was not far off the mark.

To fully be with oneself is to find oneself.  The richness to our experience informs us about who we want to be.  It comes from within not from without.

What if being myself causes problems for others?

These fears are rooted in feelings of being rejected, judged and not belonging. We are social beings and want to be connected to others.  We fear that others will not connect to us if we don’t please them.  So it makes sense that we might fear what would happen if we abandon our vigilance of trying to please others.

There is always a risk when we put ourselves forward. There will be times that others will not like aspects of who we are. We can be happy or sad and either one can bring up reactions in others that cause them to pull away.

Shame is an interpersonal process that is used to mitigate conflict and diminish our presence.

So when we take courage and begin to express parts of our self that we have held back or tried to suppress then feelings of shame and fear will rear their ugly heads.  Believe me I know how utterly painful and terrifying it can be to express oneself uncensored to others. The good news is that it gives the shame the opportunity to dissolve and create more freedom to be who you are.

Alternatively, the critical cheerleader approach that encourages us to ‘be better’ can re-enforce this shame and fear and maintain a constricted way of life.

No matter who we are and how we express ourselves other people will have their reactions to us.  We have no control over that.  So we may as well develop a relationship to ourselves that is curious about what we are experiencing and desiring rather than forcing an ideal self that ends up feeling false and self-conscious.

All of our emotions, desires, actions, reactions, protections and opinions are what make us human.  Through wholeness we can learn everything is possible and fruitful.  We can come to forgive ourselves for our mistakes.

We learn that being vulnerable can open the hearts of others.  That our energy of resentment or harshness carry our self-respect and justice.  That life requires every aspect of you.

 

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Delyse Ledgard operates Turning Point Therapy located in downtown Vancouver. She has over 30 years experience in the counselling field.  She specializes in Trauma Psychotherapy from a relational, somatic approach that is informed by neuroscience, attachment research, affect regulation theory, gestalt and psychodynamic theories. She is a Certified Somatic Transformation practitioner and provides clinical consultation for therapists.

For more blog posts and information visit Website: counselling-vancouver.com

 

Interested in being a guest blogger? Email your suggestions and feedback to: [email protected]

 A Gentle Path to Change is Accept Where You Are  … and who you are.

 by Jaminie Hilton, RCC

Do you look for your strengths? Or only criticize your “faults”?

“Look and you will find it – what is unsought will go undetected.”

Sophocles

You are you for a reason. Or many reasons. If you know the reasons, give yourself credit for insight. If you know some of the reasons, award yourself with another mental way to go. If you have no idea why, what contributed to the building blocks that make up You, there is most likely a reason for that as well. Indulge in some time to think about it, talk to someone compassionate about it. You can be that compassionate person. Or someone else.

What would you like to change?

Work

Have you tolerated a boring or unpleasant job? Workplace bullying?

Are you tempted to judge yourself as weak? Or notice your stamina? Notice how different it feels if you think one, or the other of those descriptions. You kept that job for a reason. Maybe you’re still working there. You have discipline and you understand the practicalities of life. You possess patience, and the wisdom to not do anything precipitous that could make your life harder. It will be easier to form a strategy, to find the courage to job hunt with that in your thoughts. Allow yourself to at least think about what you would be happy doing.

Social life

Would you like to have more people in your life? More friends. More of a social life?

Instead of seeing yourself as a shy introvert who is afraid of meeting new people, think about who you are beyond that shyness. No need to compare yourself to someone else you think is stronger because they find talking to strangers easy. Are you sensitive? A deep thinker? Are you understanding with others because you have spent time with yourself? If you weren’t conditioned to feel confident, find that faith in yourself by searching for who you are.

This isn’t simply a Pollyanna-putting-a-positive-spin-on-things. It’s about true acceptance. Value your shyness. Don’t try to do something with it. It’s okay to be shy. It’s ok to be whoever you are, whatever you are.

It’s currently accepted practise to bring up children with more praise, and equally important, more acceptance, than criticism. Treat yourself the same way.

People who love animals, and who train them, know that affection, treats and loving words are the effective tools for teaching.

Do you find yourself using harsh language with your own lack of proficiency at a new skill? It’s new. How can you learn without giving yourself a reason to believe you can learn this, do this. You’re learning a new skill, it takes time and patience. Why be less kind to yourself than you might be with a child, or a beloved pet?

Exercise

You’ve decided to exercise. This is new for you. It makes you nervous.  Are you getting ready to criticize yourself for being nervous? Just notice it. Take deep breaths. No judgement is needed. You research community centres, or fitness centres, or gyms. That’s a second step. If you make a phone call, or look on the internet, that’s a third step.

You decide to play a sport, enrol in a stretch class, or yoga. Join a walking group.

You could criticize yourself for waiting so long to do this, feeling so out of shape. You see? You hammer away at your confidence. You think about how much easier it would be if you’d done this months ago, or years ago, or always. Why didn’t you? There’s a reason.

Excuse, or reason?

The difference between an excuse and a reason. This is my definition. An excuse is something you say, to yourself and/or others to give yourself permission to avoid, to keep from doing something you believe you should do. A reason is: Why haven’t you done this yet? Are there good and bad reasons? I say, no. Just reasons. Accept that you were doing the best you could, and now you’re creating the opportunity to do at least one thing differently.

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Jaminie Hilton is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in private practise in Vancouver working with adults, couples, and children aged nine and up. Her focus is on guiding clients to connect with their strengths, and to gain tools to help them live with fewer fears and more happiness.

Jaminie has worked in a variety of settings including crisis centres, drug and alcohol programs, and Family Services in Vancouver. She has taught personal development classes and facilitated hundreds of groups.

jaminiehilton-counselling.ca

Interested in being a guest blogger? Email your suggestions and feedback to: [email protected]

 

By Julia Mah, R.C.C.

Stop Trying To Be So Nice. It’s Making You Miserable.

 

By nice, I mean trying so hard to always be pleasant, pleasing, lovely, happy, positive, only doing what other people want you to do, never speaking up for fear of ruffling any feathers, keeping yourself hidden and small behind what you think other people want or expect you of you… nice.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a big advocate for treating others with kindness, care, and respect.

Be considerate and thoughtful, yes. Only doing or saying or acting in ways we think other people want us to because we want, no we NEED them to think we are super nice is a cop-out. It also generally leads to no good if this is how we chose to conduct ourselves all the time.

 

And here are 3 reasons why.

 

Being too nice keeps us from having close relationships.

When we are so nice all the time and never speak up or show who we really are, or what our preferences or needs might be, it keeps us disconnected and lonely.

Because no one can connect, I mean honestly, deeply and meaningfully, connect with you if you are not being yourself.  If you are just showing how pleasant you are in order to keep everything and everyone happy all the time people are not going to stick around very long. Too nice is boring.

We want real. We need real. And although real sometimes gets messy or it means negotiating and working things out, at least we can slug through the relationship building muck together. We can both be complete and complex individuals who are choosing to show up and take turns doing the giving and taking in the relationship.

And THAT is much more interesting.

 

Being too nice brings out a victim mentality

“I do everything for everyone all the time. I give and give and give. I never ask for anything. I try so hard to make everyone else happy. How come no one tries to do anything for me? I so rarely ask for anything, so when I do, how could anyone say no to me? I ask for so little, don’t I deserve it? I guess no one really loves me” and so on and so forth. Any of this sound familiar?

That’s not what it is to be a mature, responsible, emotionally healthy individual. It’s not about being so nice and giving giving giving all the time so we can feel cheated or mistreated when, heaven forbid it, other people don’t lay down their lives for us when we feel like we’ve done enough to deserve it.

Yes, it does take guts to stand up and say “this is who I am, this is what I need, this is how and what I can, and want, to give. I choose not to go around in life keeping score about how many times I am nice to others and then feel ripped off and like the victim if other people don’t do the same.”

I am responsible for me, and you are responsible for you. If I want, need, or prefer something it’s up to me to voice that. Not up to you to drag it out of me, and definitely not up to you to read my mind in order to see how much I secretly think you owe me because of how nice I am to you.

 

Being too nice causes us to be a stranger to ourselves

When we go through the world trying to make everyone else happy and satisfied all the time and never consider our own wants, needs and desires, in a way, we are rejecting and avoiding who we really are.

No, it’s not ALWAYS about me, and no, it’s not NEVER about me. There are times and places for both.

But if we never allow ourselves to play an active and equal role in our relationships or actually even in life, we never give ourselves the chance to see, recognize, value or appreciate who we really are. You might even find that when you look in the mirror, you are not really sure what or who you see.

So my invitation to you, should you chose to accept it, is to practice being less nice. Practice being more real and authentic with others, and true to yourself. Practice sharing your thoughts, opinions and ideas even if some people may not agree with you. Be kind, respectful and considerate, yes. But small, people pleasing and hiding behind the all the niceness – no.

If you enjoyed this, please do share it. and if you do, let me know so I can thank you!

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I’m Julia Kristina MA, RCC,  and I’m a CBT, Mindfulness, and Positive Psychology therapist out of Vancouver BC.

I specializes in working with and treating successful professionals who find themselves feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or even depressed and don’t want to be feeling that way. I help people find balance and happiness in their lives, and meaningful connection in their relationships. I am available for speaking engagements and workshop facilitation.  

I also write wellness blog and give live daily personal growth talks on Periscope. 

Website link: http://www.juliakristina.com
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/juliakristinacounselling
Periscope link: https://www.periscope.tv/juliacounsellor
Twitter link: https://twitter.com/juliacounsellor

 

Interested in being a guest blogger? Email your suggestions and feedback to: [email protected]

The Fog of Anxiety…

Let’s talk about frost and fog. In my opinion, frost and fog make the world a much more beautiful and interesting place. If you pay attention to and look closer at the frost, you’ll find the loveliest of designs. And fog, well it creates such a sense of mystery and unknown that it’s almost eerie in its beauty. Maybe I’ve thought too much about this…but maybe not. Noticing the “little things” is something that gets missed by a lot of people.

I bet you’re thinking, “Sooooo what?” or “Why is she yammering on about the weather?” There’s a point…I promise. And it’s not about my preference for weather that others usually dislike or the idea of noticing the little things. It’s about anxiety.

So many of my clients come to me in an anxious state and they often describe themselves as “being in a fog.” Having been there in the past myself, I can tell you – that’s a very accurate description. It’s a time when nothing seems to make sense, surprises arise seemingly out of nowhere, there’s a dazed feeling to it all, and there often appears to be no way out of it. It’s an unnerving state to be in.

Now, let’s pause for a moment and look at a picture that I took the other day when the world seemed full of frost and fog (shown above). For the record – no, I did not have my camera set to take black and white photos…yet the photos seem to be in black and white. It’s almost as if the fog drained the world of its colour, leaving behind an aura of uncertainty and doubt.

That can be how anxiety feels – as though we are surrounded by fear and doubt in a world that has lost its joy and vibrancy. We become so consumed with the unknowns, the past, and the future, that we are often unable to enjoy the beauty and joy around us. When you consider anxiety in this light, it makes sense that people who are struggling with experiences of anxiety are often struggling with depression too. The greyness of fog detracts from the subtle beauty that the frost brings.

But why am I telling you this? Ongoing anxiety can be very difficult for people to understand if they have never been through it themselves. I love a good analogy (as I’m sure all my clients can attest), as they break down complex subjects into everyday, comparable situations. We are all familiar with the weather, so if it helps even one person understand what they or a loved one is going through then the analogy is a success. And also, if you’re “in a fog” as you navigate the choppy waters of anxiety, please know that you are not alone. I’ve been there, too…and it’s possible to leave the fog behind!

 

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Erin MacLeod is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who operates out of Vancouver and Maple Ridge, BC.  She provides service to teens and adults who are dealing with issues of anxiety, panic attacks, depression, stress, and grief & loss.  You can read more of Erin’s posts at erinmacleodcounselling.com/blog or follow @CounsellorErin on Twitter.

 

Interested in being a guest blogger? Email your suggestions and feedback to: [email protected]